I find myself wanting to write something here, but not knowing exactly what to write... makes that a problem.
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
—Louisa May Alcott
Sometimes it all still seems surreal. I'm almost afraid that one day I will wake and it will have just been a dream-this long road. It scares me.. because I think of all the character I will have lost should it ever be so, I do not think you can retain that much from a dream.... dreams are fleeting. Gone just as fast as the most profound thoughts we can barely cling to throughout the years.
In a very short period of time, weeks at most, I.. Tabitha Ledford, will be a mom. It still makes me laugh to realize I already have diapers scattered on my computer desk, and the scent of baby lotion always catches me as I walk by the empty nursery. It isn't easy to forget with him wiggling constantly inside my belly, but at the same time it is overwhelming to fold blankets and tiny clothes. Little hands, little feet... and huge eyes to take in the entire world laid out before him.
I never expected this turn in my life... but I am grateful. In spite of the situation and circumstance, this is my road less traveled, my chance at a meaning bigger than myself. I've already seen his affect on my life and that of those around me... I can hardly wait to see his impact on the world.
I couldn't ask for more.
Archive of Rambles :
29 May 2009
03 January 2009
24 December 2008
everyone acts like being sad has a switch... like I can just 'turn it off'.. and be happy.
surprisingly enough when I ask them to use theirs they seem to have forgotten.
surprisingly enough when I ask them to use theirs they seem to have forgotten.
28 November 2008
God, give us love in the time that we have.
So.. I guessed it was about time to update this.. finally let everyone know whats really going on.
I dated one of my good mates, Jeremy, for a little while.. thought things were going great... it's hard for it not to be when you are living the drunken party lifestyle that I had grown so accustomed to.. then (I guess looking back now, I can say 'just in time') .. I found out I was pregnant.
Yep.. me the big prego.
Things were still okay at first, until I started being responsible and actually 'growing up'.. and he stayed the same.. then.. I just realized, I couldn't do it anymore.. so we had a big fight.. and we broke up.. I haven't talked to him in a month or more..
Needless to say, I'm okay with that.. because I don't want to have to raise him up to be a decent dad, and have to take care of a baby.. so I'm better off at this on my own.. I only hope he looks at the child's best interest and just stays far away... I think the thought of him causing me trouble in the long run, is the only reason I lose sleep at night.
I'm happy, everyone I know is happy. My relationship with my family is amazing for the first time... ever, I guess.. so I have their support and the support of a lot of friends heh, to keep me going for the most part.
I'm 12 weeks, and seriously I think the past 3 months has changed me more than my whole 23 years.. things change completely when you realize that in a matter of less than a year, you are going to be holding someone's life in your hands..
Sometimes I'm scared.. who knows if I'll be a good mom, it's hard being a single mom... but like I told someone in the beginning.. God made me strong.. and when it comes down to it.. I can handle anything.. even this. I'm scared that Jeremy is going to show up and try to ruin things for me.. a million things can go wrong.. I know he's not mature enough to be a dad, he can't even take care of himself.. For a while there I was actually afraid he would come at me with his anger, but he hasn't.. Thank God.. I guess he's just using his same old 'eff it' mentality.. and dusting it off his shoulder... which is fine by me.. most nights I pray that God lets him forget that I exist.
I'm emotional, I cry watching everything.. which is hard sometimes, because I'm one to cry.. I'm not one to 'need' people.. but I've realized that people 'need you to need them'.. so I've learned to accept help.
It's been sort of a rut lately, because I've been sick.. I work all week until I'm dead, and in my free time, I just want to chill.. which has put a huge wedge between me and everyone I know, besides my family. I'm hormonal, so I won't say I'm depressed.. but it's just a lot to take in I think..
I have crazy dreams that I can't even imagine how to describe.. it keeps my brain occupied for most of the morning at least.. other than that I'm completely scatter brained most of the time, to the point of seriously thinking I'm approaching my last bit of sanity. I can't remember anything, I barely sleep.. I don't have much motivation.. and I sort of fill empty most of the time..
.. but I rest in knowing that I'm just adjusting to the fact that life has become more than just me.. and sometimes you have to lose yourself, before you can make room for someone else.. because it's hard to just 'fit them in'.. you've gotta clear out what you don't need, to make room for the things you do.
My old life is gone, things have changed... and it's hard to really ease into something this big, but I'm constantly assured that this is all 'natural'.. ha.. and I constantly sing the lyrics..
Hopefully soon I'll straighten my head out and be more lively.. but for now.. I think it's better that I keep to myself.. and just.. let things settle themselves out in my head..
So well... that's about it for tonight.. it was good to blog again.. I forget sometimes how much it helps to sort my thoughts.
I dated one of my good mates, Jeremy, for a little while.. thought things were going great... it's hard for it not to be when you are living the drunken party lifestyle that I had grown so accustomed to.. then (I guess looking back now, I can say 'just in time') .. I found out I was pregnant.
Yep.. me the big prego.
Things were still okay at first, until I started being responsible and actually 'growing up'.. and he stayed the same.. then.. I just realized, I couldn't do it anymore.. so we had a big fight.. and we broke up.. I haven't talked to him in a month or more..
Needless to say, I'm okay with that.. because I don't want to have to raise him up to be a decent dad, and have to take care of a baby.. so I'm better off at this on my own.. I only hope he looks at the child's best interest and just stays far away... I think the thought of him causing me trouble in the long run, is the only reason I lose sleep at night.
I'm happy, everyone I know is happy. My relationship with my family is amazing for the first time... ever, I guess.. so I have their support and the support of a lot of friends heh, to keep me going for the most part.
I'm 12 weeks, and seriously I think the past 3 months has changed me more than my whole 23 years.. things change completely when you realize that in a matter of less than a year, you are going to be holding someone's life in your hands..
Sometimes I'm scared.. who knows if I'll be a good mom, it's hard being a single mom... but like I told someone in the beginning.. God made me strong.. and when it comes down to it.. I can handle anything.. even this. I'm scared that Jeremy is going to show up and try to ruin things for me.. a million things can go wrong.. I know he's not mature enough to be a dad, he can't even take care of himself.. For a while there I was actually afraid he would come at me with his anger, but he hasn't.. Thank God.. I guess he's just using his same old 'eff it' mentality.. and dusting it off his shoulder... which is fine by me.. most nights I pray that God lets him forget that I exist.
I'm emotional, I cry watching everything.. which is hard sometimes, because I'm one to cry.. I'm not one to 'need' people.. but I've realized that people 'need you to need them'.. so I've learned to accept help.
It's been sort of a rut lately, because I've been sick.. I work all week until I'm dead, and in my free time, I just want to chill.. which has put a huge wedge between me and everyone I know, besides my family. I'm hormonal, so I won't say I'm depressed.. but it's just a lot to take in I think..
I have crazy dreams that I can't even imagine how to describe.. it keeps my brain occupied for most of the morning at least.. other than that I'm completely scatter brained most of the time, to the point of seriously thinking I'm approaching my last bit of sanity. I can't remember anything, I barely sleep.. I don't have much motivation.. and I sort of fill empty most of the time..
.. but I rest in knowing that I'm just adjusting to the fact that life has become more than just me.. and sometimes you have to lose yourself, before you can make room for someone else.. because it's hard to just 'fit them in'.. you've gotta clear out what you don't need, to make room for the things you do.
My old life is gone, things have changed... and it's hard to really ease into something this big, but I'm constantly assured that this is all 'natural'.. ha.. and I constantly sing the lyrics..
mine is not a new story,
mine is nothing new..
but it is for me.
Hopefully soon I'll straighten my head out and be more lively.. but for now.. I think it's better that I keep to myself.. and just.. let things settle themselves out in my head..
So well... that's about it for tonight.. it was good to blog again.. I forget sometimes how much it helps to sort my thoughts.
11 September 2008
dig.
We all have a weakness,
but some of ours are easy to identify,
look me in the eye.
and ask for forgiveness,
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
no matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.
ooooh....
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.
but some of ours are easy to identify,
look me in the eye.
and ask for forgiveness,
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
no matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.
ooooh....
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.
I guess there comes a point when you realize you can't run anymore, and everything that has happened to you, was only preparing you for this one moment. It makes you confused and you can't wrap your head around why it means so much... and then it just... makes sense. When you decide to stop fighting it, you're one of the happiest people in the world.
Got to do alot of digging if you really want to find a treasure worth keeping.
Got to do alot of digging if you really want to find a treasure worth keeping.
04 September 2008
get it while you can..
There have never been more stars out than tonight that I have ever seen.
In this world, if you read the papers, darling,
You know everybody's fighting with each other.
You got no one you can count on, dear,
Not even your own brother.
So if someone comes along,
He gonna give you love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can, yeah,
Honey, get it while you can, yeah,
Honey, grab it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love, no, no, no.
When you're loving somebody, baby,
You're taking a gamble against some sorrow.
But who knows, baby,
'Cause we may not be here tomorrow.
And if anybody comes along,
He gonna give you love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, grab it when you're gonna need it!
Yeah hey, hold it while you can,
Don't you turn your sweet back on love,
No no no, no no no no no!
Ah! Once I had me a man,
But I didn't know enough at the time
To count my blessings, no no,
But I wish he could see me crying today,
'Cause his love don't feel to listen.
And if anybody comes along,
He gonna give me love and affection,
Yeah, hey!, Hey! Yeah! Hey!
Get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, get it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love,
No no no, no no no no.
Get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, grab it while you can, yeah!
I said, hold on to that man, love,
Hold on to that man whole,
Yeah, get it, want it, need it,
Get it, get it, hold it, need it, want it,
Get it, need it, want it, hold it,
Get it, squeeze it, love it, touch it,
Use it, need it, want it, get it,
Need it, want it, hold it,
Yeah hey, get it while you can, baby,
Yeah hey, get it while you can,
Honey, don't you go and turn your sweet back on love,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, daddy, you'll be sorry,
No, no, no, no!
no more ball and chain for me, babe.. no more ball and chain.
You know everybody's fighting with each other.
You got no one you can count on, dear,
Not even your own brother.
So if someone comes along,
He gonna give you love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can, yeah,
Honey, get it while you can, yeah,
Honey, grab it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love, no, no, no.
When you're loving somebody, baby,
You're taking a gamble against some sorrow.
But who knows, baby,
'Cause we may not be here tomorrow.
And if anybody comes along,
He gonna give you love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, grab it when you're gonna need it!
Yeah hey, hold it while you can,
Don't you turn your sweet back on love,
No no no, no no no no no!
Ah! Once I had me a man,
But I didn't know enough at the time
To count my blessings, no no,
But I wish he could see me crying today,
'Cause his love don't feel to listen.
And if anybody comes along,
He gonna give me love and affection,
Yeah, hey!, Hey! Yeah! Hey!
Get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, get it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love,
No no no, no no no no.
Get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, grab it while you can, yeah!
I said, hold on to that man, love,
Hold on to that man whole,
Yeah, get it, want it, need it,
Get it, get it, hold it, need it, want it,
Get it, need it, want it, hold it,
Get it, squeeze it, love it, touch it,
Use it, need it, want it, get it,
Need it, want it, hold it,
Yeah hey, get it while you can, baby,
Yeah hey, get it while you can,
Honey, don't you go and turn your sweet back on love,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, daddy, you'll be sorry,
No, no, no, no!
02 September 2008
Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something about blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No I couldn't answer
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
And images that might be real
May be illusion
Keep flashing off and on
Free
Wanna be free
Gonna be free
And move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feels so free
Gotta know free
Please
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream you know
That's never ending
I'm ascending
do you ever wish you could just write letters to everyone you ever knew, that meant something to you... and explain exactly what they did to make your life amazing... and then.. just disappear?
That's how I feel right now.
It's overwhelming really.. because at this point in my life there have been... a few select people that have meant the world to me, and I know they don't realize it.. because I've never told them. I think if they knew... everything would be different.
I've always been afraid of showing my feelings, of letting people know. I guess I feel as though if I actually say it... the words will diminish what I hold inside for these few.
So I'm torn.. is it better to take away from it by letting it be known... or better to just... die with me?
Everything seems so much more clear now... I've learned to keep everyone at a distance, but in a more healthy way I guess. I think it hurts me more, but it keeps me from continuously hurting other people.
I only wish they knew.
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something about blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No I couldn't answer
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
And images that might be real
May be illusion
Keep flashing off and on
Free
Wanna be free
Gonna be free
And move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feels so free
Gotta know free
Please
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream you know
That's never ending
I'm ascending
do you ever wish you could just write letters to everyone you ever knew, that meant something to you... and explain exactly what they did to make your life amazing... and then.. just disappear?
That's how I feel right now.
It's overwhelming really.. because at this point in my life there have been... a few select people that have meant the world to me, and I know they don't realize it.. because I've never told them. I think if they knew... everything would be different.
I've always been afraid of showing my feelings, of letting people know. I guess I feel as though if I actually say it... the words will diminish what I hold inside for these few.
So I'm torn.. is it better to take away from it by letting it be known... or better to just... die with me?
Everything seems so much more clear now... I've learned to keep everyone at a distance, but in a more healthy way I guess. I think it hurts me more, but it keeps me from continuously hurting other people.
I only wish they knew.
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